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Jokes

Trouble maker stealing drink

A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink.
I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.

First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.
My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away."

I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Designated decoy - Police Officer

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Read more: Designated decoy - Police Officer

Police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says,

"It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says,

"My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Blonde pulled over by blonde police officer.

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman,
"What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said,
"You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

Read more: Blonde pulled over by blonde police officer.

Dead Goldfish

 Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked:

— What are you up to there, Tim?

— My goldfish died, replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, and I've just buried him.

The neighbor was concerned:

— That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied:

— That's because he's inside your cat.

Life With A Blonde Teenager Daughter…

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.


—by Robert Alvarez, author of Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

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